As predicted, my first list of toddler tantrum triggers was a mere prelude to what we’re experiemcing now. We have officially entered the Terrible Twos and parts of having a 2-year-old are terrible. But, parts are also pretty cool. This is not about the cool parts.
1. Asking them to clean up their crap – I’m sure my child isn’t unlike any other toddler in that she wants what she wants when she wants it (I know some adults like this too). Normally that’s fine. I honestly have no problem with her reading all her books, taking out all her toys, or using Kleenex as a blanket on her new fake baby, because that slowly reduces the amount of time during the day that mama or I have to keep her occupied (which is far more challenging than it used to be). But, asking her to put things away is harder than high school calculus. Not only do we have to ask in the nicest way possible, but we have turn it into a fucking game. JUST PICK UP YOUR STUFF!
2. Saying “no” – Responding to a toddler is a constant internal negotiation with your own mind. Should we be selfish a pushover, give-in to whatever outrageous request they make, and hopefully avoid the inevitable consequences? Or do we stand our ground, momentarily forget who is in charge enforce boundaries, and prepare for the emotional battle that is sure to commence? It really is a lose-lose.
3. Mistaking a no/yes for a no/yes – Toddlers are still learning how to communicate, so their grasp on basic words is loose at best. But they think they know everything. Ask them something and they’ll say one thing. Ask them the same question five seconds later, and they’ll say the other. But you’re responsible for knowing their intended answer, even if they don’t know their intended answer. They speak and think in their own code that even they don’t understand, so how the hell are we supposed to get anywhere?
4. Not understanding gibberish – Since they are learning to speak, they are able to communicate much better than before and some of their “words” are absolutely adorable. Isabel seems to verbalize a new word each day, which is awesome! It’s also maddening, because half the time it’s impossible to understand, despite her spirited attempts to repeat it. And when we still don’t understand after the 37th time, she gets understandably frustrated. And then hell opens and swallows us whole.
5. Making them choose – Seriously, why are tears necessary when deciding between the grey shoes and the gold shoes? THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME SHOES, EXCEPT ONE IS SHINY! YOU LIKE SHINY THINGS! The same argument can be made about virtually any decision we ask a toddler to make – books, food, pajamas, ANYTHING! They have no idea how good they have it; I wish my life was a series of 50-50 decisions with zero risk.
6. Sitting at the table to eat – This is one of those battles that is usually not worth the fight. You want a picnic on the play mat? Fine. Neither mama nor I have the energy to fight over this one. But really? You’ve spent the whole day playing with friends, singing songs, taking a nap, and you can’t just sit in your seat and eat the meal we cooked? Ugh!
7. Bath – This is a tricky one. Some days we get a guppy who could spend hours happily drinking the soapy, toddler-grime-filled water (disgusting, right?!), while other days are a disaster at the mere mentioning of bath. We never know which toddler we are going to get, and despite the mental preparation for a potential screamfest in an echo chamber (aka bathroom), the alternative of sending her to bed after seeing her play with worms in the dirt is not an option.
8. Changing – For f*&! sake, all I want is to take off your dirty, slimy, dusty, crusty clothes, must you throw yourself on the floor? You get food when you want it. You have a library to read. You have a fake kitchen to make fake food for your fake baby. You have AC during the summer and winter (we live in LA). And you have two cats to torment at will. But you get pissed when we want to put you in clean clothes?!? Where’s the tequila.
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