10 Advantages of a Fake Baby

Isabel started attending “school” (aka structured day-care) a little over a month ago and she loves it. There are new kids to swap germs with, new books to read, and new toys to entertain her. Well, apparently she became obsessed with the toy babies, so mama decided it would be a good idea to get her one for her birthday. And let me tell you, this thing is awesome!

Fake baby is the best distraction ever. Seriously. It has magical powers that can occupy her for minutes on end so that we can breathe – even if “occupy” simply means she sits there eating the pretend food. And she’s learning valuable maternal skills that might help her in the future, even if she fails miserably at some of them. Having a fake baby has other unforeseen advantages too, here are ten.

1. If you get a little hungry while feeding fake baby the air applesauce or weird-liquid-but-not-sure-what-kind-of-liquid milk, no problem, eat it yourself, err, pretend to eat it.
2. Apparently dropping fake baby while swaddling him is acceptable, and better yet, it doesn’t cause any damage.
3. NO DIAPERS!!!
4. Holding fake baby upside-down, sideways, backwards, or inside out is perfectly acceptable when breastfeeding said baby. Yay for versatility!
5. Parents don’t have to deal with twisted stroller or car seat straps because securing fake baby is unnecessary.
6. Normally, covering real baby’s head with a blanket would be cause for concern and might necessitate some kind of psychiatric evaluation or visit from DCFS, but fake baby can’t breathe, so I think we’re safe from any house calls.
7. Burping fake baby simply requires brute strength, at least that’s what my toddler would have you believe as she smacks the crap out of her new child.
8. You don’t have to spend hours, days, or weeks figuring out the name to make sure it honors family members, has a special meaning, or isn’t “too popular.” Call it “Baby” and move on with your life.
9. They don’t need clothes.
10. When you get tired of playing, feeding, or rocking fake baby, you can drop them on the floor and move on to the next item on your toddler to-do list.

BONUS: The most magical power has been fake baby’s ability to curtail our toddler’s tantrum-esque behavior when told she can’t play with the “iPom”. While it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I have successfully diverted her attention with questions regarding the satiation of her child. In this constant battle to prevent random, irrational, and usually unprovoked tears, I’ll take any small victory.