At my daughter’s age, she is unable to communicate or understand enough for us to really get frustrated with her. I am guilty of getting impatient at times, but sometimes it’s really hard. I mean, life with a young toddler often feels like a constant game of Charades. Further complicating this game, is that they essentially make the rules, since they can do or “say” virtually anything, and get away with things that adults only dream about, like…
1. Throw food – Isabel is beginning to learn what “no” means. Although, I’m pretty sure she still thinks it’s something fun to say when the cat is getting too frisky, or we’re singing the monkeys on the bed song. So when she defiantly throws her dinner on the floor, and we say “No,” it’s probably funny to her. And so she does it over, and over again. I love food too much to ever throw it on the floor, but imagine if I could?
2. Not wearing pants – A toddler, toddling around in a diaper, is one of the cutest things, EVER. It’s also pretty conducive for the unbearable heat that we are subjected to each summer. How annoying is it trying to find pants at 6:00 each morning for work? Pretty damn inconvenient if you ask me. Sometimes it would be so much easier…
3. Poop/pee wherever + whenever they want – How many times has your body hurt from holding it for so long? Or remained as still as possible so as not to wake your sleeping child, even though your bladder is about to burst? While adult diapers aren’t exactly sexy, how nice would it be to just “go” sometimes?
4. Strollers – Imagine that the next time you get into your Uber you request a beer, some cheese and crackers, and that you’d like to walk every half mile for about 3 minutes and then hop back in. Yea, that’s basically a young toddler and their stroller.
5. Refuse to walk – See #4, except much more physically demanding and usually without the snacks.
6. Nap – Isabel typically only naps +/- 1 hour, so we’re not talking about a 2 hour Spanish siesta. Just give me 45 minutes, around 1pm each day. Are there any adults that have this luxury (I’m not even talking about parents) – ANY ADULT?
7. Sleep – ELEVEN HOURS EVERY DAMN NIGHT! If adults could get that much sleep every night, I’m pretty sure everyone’s life would be much nicer. And when she wakes up, she has breakfast ready and waiting for her. I’m sure requesting that to Mrs. FWL would be met with enthusiasm.
8. Point and grunt/moan – The next time I go to a restaurant, I’ll just mime and make bird noises when the waiter comes to our table. What are the chances I get the burger I really want? Close to zero. Instead they’ll just look at me like a crazy person. Well, my kid does this whenever I’m holding her in front of the fridge. So then I spend the next 3 minutes naming everything I see, while she points and moans at everything she sees, until we miraculously land on the same item, and I get the full-body nod/shake/shimmy of approval. Remember Charades?
9. Not picking out clothes – Stylists are for those with the funds to employ them. So where’s my check, oh toddler of mine? She gets clothes and someone to coordinate her daily outfits for free.
10. Leave sh*t everywhere – It’s a well-known fact that toddlers are human tornadoes. They leave a path of destruction, toys, and books wherever they go. We’re trying to teach “clean-up” and it usually works – but not without prodding and singing a silly song. Isabel would rather play with her crayons, dump out her toy basket, and blow bubbles, than reshelve her personal library strewn across the floor. Oh, how I wish I could just leave all the dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor. But then I’d wake up from my afternoon nap with the health department banging on my door wondering why I was a negligent father, sitting on the couch without any pants.
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